Monday, August 3, 2009

Something about the coming fall brings hope

I am overweight, but an anorexic girl lives inside me. Maybe I ate her, haha. I only know that that mindset, that desire to disappear and feel my backbone meet belly button is still there. She wakes up in the fall, when I'm feeling full of hope and creativity runs through my veins.

When I was in high school, I got down to an alarmingly low weight. I can remember the turning point of one such episode. I had gone a week without eating, and you would think I would've been exhausted, but I was on a high. I barely slept, I bounced off the walls. I felt amazing. My brother came home from college to visit for the weekend and bought me a pizza. (I now wonder if mom and dad brought him home to help me...) I could only eat for him. The roller coaster calmed down, and I wasn't really an anorexic, was I? Anorexics don't have 'occasional' bouts, they live in a mindset. I was able to overcome it most of the time.

Once I got married, I quit. They say that's not possible, and I suppose they're right in a way, because I tell you-- that girl-- she's still with me, whispering in my chubby little ear; she hasn't left. Still, I find it easier and easier to ignore her. Not that my relationship with food is healthy-- or I wouldn't be overweight. But I guess I'm healthier now than I was back then.

I like to be empty, a clean slate, blank paper, so full of possibility.

1 comment:

  1. It makes sense. It's a pattern of letting food control you. Mood eating. Anorexia can be a kind of gluttony.

    That sounds so condemning. But you know I love food as much as you do. :P